Thoughts

Here I am, sitting in a beautiful home looking at beautiful trees with Christmas warmth all around me, and I feel like it's time to get back to recording our lives. I have been doing some personal journaling to work out some of the challenges of the past months, but I think it's time to start documenting my observations about life and the details of our current situation. However, I am sad that I haven't been able to figure out how to get access to my pictures yet.  Something has happened to my external hard drive during the move and all my pictures are stored on the external hard drive - older pictures are also on a new server but I haven't figured out how to access them there either. This is obviously a pretty big problem which I'm choosing to not panic about right now. I'm pretty good about problem solving minor computer issues, so I figure that when I find time to address my picture retrieval, I will be successful. In the meantime, pictures are sitting on my phone since June.  They haven't been uploaded, sorted, edited, organized, etc. I was already so behind on documenting past years while still staying current with family history, and now I will probably never catch up. But I have to be OK with that.

Where we are

We are in a lovely rental home at the end of a cul-de-sac which looks out on beautiful trees and a mountain, but unfortunately also is really close to neighbors on two sides. But, luckily we really like our neighbors, and they have been very friendly. We are even part of a neighborhood couples book group starting in January. And, we actually really love the layout of the home and would gladly buy/build one like this. We love having an extra shower on the main level (along with a guest bedroom), which makes it much easier to entertain guests. It has been good to live in a newer home so we can see which features we like and are worth it to us. We are watching the Seattle real estate market closely, hoping for further dips in the prices of homes. Prices were already high after the market rebound in the past 5 years, but have increased 20 percent each of the past two years. There seems to be some softening, and we want in on that. We are looking at possibly building a home but haven't found the right confluence of neighborhood, floor plan, and price point. We would probably prefer an existing home which is only a few years old, but those are very hard to find in North Bend.

The reality

Our lives were pretty disrupted this last summer, in every conceivable way. We are still trying to figure things out, but we are making progress. The most important thing is that we are all a family and we love each other. I think today I'm going to document some of the good things I am noticing.

The good things about now

• Dan's commute isn't bad at all, and that's amazing given the normally crazy Seattle traffic. It takes him about 25-30 minutes to get to work along beautiful I-90. For that fact alone, we definitely feel like we have landed in the right place. 
• Dan's job is going so amazingly well. He literally gets glowing praise almost every day, and he feels like he is able to make a big difference in improving the company, and he loves that. 
• After a slow start in our new ward, we are finding our place. There aren't many boys Joseph's age, and that is a concern, but he is liking it more every week and a new boy his age just moved in. Dan and I have met many nice new people but haven't found good friends yet. That takes time. I found a book club and I'm trying to make it work. I miss the energy and friendship of my last book club.
• It's really beautiful here. Our little small town is mostly charming and it doesn't take too long to get to a decent store (in Issaquah).
• It feels very good to be settled, after a summer of physically moving around. After finding out we were moving and two crazy weeks of preparing our house for sale, we bounced between two different friend's houses and hotels until the end of September. After a painful few weeks of unpacking and figuring out the rental home, our home now eels organized and serene. Because we aren't supposed to hang pictures on the walls of the rental house (and the house has so many windows that there aren't all that many places which look empty anyway), our home setup is very simple. We left lots of things in boxes, which we have organized in the garage and the storage rooms in the house. I like living with less. I like simplicity. 
• It is really strange to only have one child at home, and we really miss having the older kids around, but our lives are definitely simpler since we only have Joseph to focus on. We have been able to help him find some talents to explore, and he recently started guitar lessons and soon will start snowboard lessons (we are only 20 minutes from the ski resort!).
• Joseph and I have settled into our homeschooling routine. He is a smart cookie, and he picks up on things quickly. I am enjoying learning with him, especially the World History class he is taking. We usually snuggle on the couch under blankets and read the new material together. I am learning lots of  new things, and I love to learn (especially history!). I am also having to re-learn Algebra, which hasn't been as easy or fun for me, but it does feel good to conquer it and see him learn. Recently Joseph's science class was learning fundamental Chemistry, and I was great at helping him with that, because I like Chemistry. Now he is in Physics, and I am handicapped by the fact that I never took Physics. But, we are learning together (with the help of online classes he attends 3-4 days a week), and that has been a good experience. I am grateful that we have this respite year to create a peaceful environment in which Joseph can learn and get acclimated.
• After a summer of not having time to read my own books, I have started reading again, and I have the local library app system totally figured out. 
• In a few weeks two of the older kids come home for Christmas, and I can't wait to watch Hallmark movies with Bailey and Aubrey and do all the family Christmas things together. I have the Christmas books spread out in front of the tree, and I look forward to my favorite tradition, reading a book together every night. After Christmas, Bailey's very nice boyfriend comes for 5 days. We can't wait to get to know him better.

That's all for now. I'll be back with more thoughts, and maybe eventually I'll find some pictures.

Summer

This is what I expected to do this summer.

• Help Aubrey pack up all her stuff and get started in Summer Term at BYU.
• Spend a week in July alone working on scrapbooking/family history projects while Dan and Joseph were at Scout Camp.
• Take Joseph on an "adventure" every Friday to get him out of the house and to enjoy the beautiful PNW.
• Catch up on all the books I had checked out of the library.
• Eat fresh fruits and veggies from my garden/friend's gardens/Farmer's Markets every day. In particular, eat lots of fresh corn, zucchini, tomatoes, and raspberries.
• Relax and recharge after a busy season of graduation/launching a daughter to college.

This is what I actually did this summer:

• Helped Aubrey pack up all her stuff and get started in Summer Term at BYU.
• Spent a week alone while Dan and Joseph went to Scout Camp, working 12 -16 hour nonstop days getting the house ready to put on the market. 
• Allowed Joseph to play too many video games while I painted, cleaned, and packed. Went an "adventures" to Seattle once or twice a week to tour depressing home options.
• Returned all of the books I had checked out to the library . . . unread.
• Forgot to eat on a regular schedule, interspersed by bouts of eating chocolate chips from the freezer. Once things settled down a bit, I did enjoy the tomatoes from our garden (especially drizzled with balsalmic reduction). I didn't so much as touch a zucchini or watermelon until September.
• Felt liminal, in-between, ungrounded, and homeless.

Here's to a better Fall season 2018, when the Porters are hopefully going to find our footing in our new physical and metaphorical place in the world. 

Endings and Beginnings

This is a post I've been working on in my head for months, but now that I finally have time to write I can't remember all the profound ways I was going to say. (Actually, I think that my words sound kind of whiny, but they are my thoughts and this is my personal history, so I'm going to say them anyway.)

In a few short weeks we will be dropping Aubrey off at college. We have a mountain of stuff in Bailey's old bedroom which is being sorted and packed for her new home in a college dorm. This is such a great thing, and the very opportunity that we have hoped and prayed for. Dan and I take seriously our job of preparing our kids to enter the world to be responsible and caring adults, and we are so happy when they are able to move on from our home to new adventures.

But, it's so, so sad to experience and anticipate the empty places in our home left by each child who leaves. The other day I was straightening shoes in the mudroom and I stopped to count how many were Aubrey's. Soon, there will be lots of empty space in the mudroom for shoes belonging to me, Dan, and Joseph. There will also be empty shelves and a lack of piano music playing and no musicals being sung in the bathroom. There will no longer be anyone in the house who wants to watch chick flicks or go on power walks with me. Her room will be left with the bare minimum of things which didn't make the cut for college, but aren't quite ready to be thrown away. 

This has happened twice before, and it was just as hard. Each time one of our kids has moved out, the structure of the family has shifted and slowly settled into a new rhythm, one which involves lots of contact by phone and text, but one in which the kids are rarely physically in the home. 

And this is sad, because I love having my kids nearby, laughing and talking and making messes. OK, the messes aren't my very favorite, but they are proof that life is happening. I have loved the opportunity to serve them in all the little things a mother can do to smooth the ways of life. Now my help will mostly be over the phone and through fervent prayers.

This is what needs to happen, and I accept that. But I will allow myself to feel the loss of their presence, because being present and available has been my focus in mothering, and my ability to be physically available for my kids is diminishing as they become adults. Aubrey has life changing discoveries to make about herself in the coming years, and I'm excited for her new beginnings. I wouldn't change a thing, but I'll miss her.

And finally, I dedicate these sentimental song lyrics to the way I'm feeling lately. (I just might have looked up every sappy song on Spotify about kids growing up and leaving).

Here's to you, you were pink or blue
And everything I wanted.
Here's to you, never sleeping through
From midnight till the morning.
Had to crawl before you walked, before you ran, 
Before I knew it you were trying to free your fingers from my hand
'Cause you could do it on your own now,
Somehow.

Here's to you, every missing tooth, every bedtime story.
Here's to Barbie cars, light saber wars, sleeping in on Sunday.
Had to crawl before you walked, before you ran, 
Before I knew it, you were teaching me the only thing love can, hold hands through it.
When it's scary, you've got me.

But slow down, won't you stay here a minute more?
I know you want to walk through the door,
But it's all too fast, let's make it last a little while.
I pointed to the sky, and now you want to fly.
I am your biggest fan, 
I hope you know I am. 
But do you think you could somehow
Slow down?

Please don't roll your eyes at me, 
I know I'm embarrassing,
But someday you'll understand,
You'll hold a little hand,
Ask them if they can
Slow down.

(For the record, I don't actually want Aubrey to slow down. I just want time to slow down. The years are passing too quickly!)

May updates

Joseph's life goals, as reported a few days ago:

1. to get a dog
2. to learn the guitar
3. to become a dentist

Favorite Joseph statement of the past month: 

When asked why he was wearing the same shirt and same jeans to school two days in a row, he emphatically explained, "think of the pioneers, Mom. Do you think that they changed clothes every day?"  Um . . . . I bet they wished they had some clean changes of clothes!

Madame Music Director

For a few months this spring Aubrey was the fill-in chorister for Sacrament Meeting each week. She did a great job, even when the hymns were totally unfamiliar!

I am not a PTA mom

I helped with a few PTA-sponsored events lately, and I remembered that my heart is just not in PTA work. Sometimes I wish it was, but not really. I love helping in my kids' classes, chaperoning field trips, and doing anything which brings me in contact with the kids and the teachers. But a lot of the PTA events feel so superficial to me. I watch people spend an incredible amount of time on PTA-sponsored school events, and I am okay with choosing other places to invest my energy. 

Ants annihilated

It was the toughest ant year on record for the Porters. We could not get rid of them and got used to ants crawling on us while on the couch or kitchen table. And for months no one would DARE to learn against the counter, or that would just invite unwelcome black visitors. Finally, we bugged the pest control company enough that they got under our house in the creepy crawl space to "dust" the space with ant killer. Finally, success! 

The end is in sight

All the sudden, the end of the school year is hurtling toward us like a freight train. For Aubrey, it can't come soon enough. I would imagine that Joseph feels the same. I am just wondering why the weeks pass like minutes. Before I know it, Aubrey will be graduated, we will drop her off at BYU Provo for summer term, and we will come back home a family of 3!

Tears at the Middle School

I started to get teary as we pulled up to Joseph's school today. And then after dropping him off I cried most of the way home. 

Apparently, yesterday there was a threat made by a student and the sheriff was involved in the investigation. Last night rumors were flying on social media about this threat, with many people deciding to not send their kids to school today. By late night, we received an email from the school principal saying that the sheriff's office had investigated the threat and found it not to be credible, but that all precautions would be taken to ensure safety and to help the students feel safe today. 

We all felt a little apprehensive and uneasy about this threat of violence and talked it through with Joseph before bed. We decided together that he would still attend school, as it seemed that the authorities and administration were being proactive about safety.

As we neared the school, we could see flashing lights of police cars on the road leading into and in front of the school. There was an army of security personnel, sheriff deputies, and school and district administrators spread out along the walkway, ushering the kids in. 

I was moved to see the quick response by so many to ensure my son and his classmates felt protected and safe. I was impressed that the reaction to a threat was immediate and comprehensive, even if the actual threat of danger may have been overblown and fueled by rumor. They took it seriously, and I appreciate that deeply.

But, my tears were also for the sad fact that I have to send my kids to school in a world where sometimes school hasn't been safe. I hate that they have to be scared and that the intense level of response is even necessary in places which should be a refuge and place of safety. Something needs to change.

The Newest Porter Teenager

Joseph turned 13 years old and officially joins the teenage world! His birthday fell on a fast Sunday, which would definitely not work with breakfast in bed, so he started his birthday celebration on Saturday. His breakfast in bed included two types of donuts, bacon, and strawberries.

 After eating, Joseph wanted to open half of his presents, as is the tradition. This year he received some clothes (he picked out), some superhero bobbleheads (which he requested), some cool headphones, and the movie Coco.

 After church on Joseph's birthday, we made his requested treat, chocolate marshmallow cookies. 

 On Monday I took him to lunch at Mod Pizza, his favorite restaurant, for some delicious (and hot) pizza.

The next Saturday Joseph had invited 7 friends to a laser tag birthday party. 

Earlier in the day, the girls helped me make the cake that Joseph requested, a white cake (we found a great, very moist recipe) with homemade chocolate frosting.

All of Joseph's friends met at our house and then we drove two cars to Wilsonville. Bailey was in town for the weekend, so she came along! Aubrey was attending a friend's play.

 Ultrazone kept us well supplied with junk food (soda, pizza, chips, candy), which fueled us for some amazing laser tag games. In between the two games, the boys talked animatedly about their strategies for the next game.

 Then we ate the delicious cake and he opened gifts.

 We are grateful for these good friends.

 And it was so much fun to have Bailey attend the party.

We love our new teenager. He is witty, smart, loving, talented, and fun to hang out with. And he has the best smile!! Dan and I are glad that we get to hang out with him for 5 more years!

The Newest Porter Adult

Aubrey's got a birthday surprise when seminary was cancelled (due to projected snow which didn't materialize), so she was able to sleep in until her breakfast in bed was ready.

 And then she opened all her presents, since she would be going straight from school to a special birthday dinner in downtown Portland. She got journals and lots and lots of pens (her favorite),

 awesome Demarle cookwear (which also works as a hat apparently) to use when she has her own kitchen in college

 and a super fuzzy rug for her college dorm (which she says will make kneeling down to pray SO much more comfortable!)

For a birthday lunch, she and I went to Mod Pizza. It was so fun to visit with this gorgeous girl!

That night we picked her up directly from a Thespians club meeting at school and went to a special dinner at The Melting Pot (a fondue restaurant) in Portland. Her friend Seth came with us. It was a really amazing meal! Cheese fondue for appetizer, then a salad, then the main course which we cooked in the boiling vat of seasoned broth, then chocolate fondue. Delicious, all of it, and such a great experience!

I love, love, love this post Joseph put on his brand new Instagram account in honor of Aubrey's birthday.

We love our birthday girl! The years have flown by, and we can't believe that she is almost launched into the real world. We will miss her so much for so many reasons. She is insightful and intelligent, thoughtful and kind, resourceful and hard working, organized and talented, loving and courageous. She is going to love going to college, but our home won't be the same without her! 

January through March

New Year's Eve

This year we spent New Year's Eve (which was a Sunday night) at the McDonnell's house. They just finished a major renovation which created a big gathering space and a nicely updated kitchen. We played games and ate goodies and tried not talk about the ward realignments which would be announced the next week.

Sunny Winter

We went on several walks in the unseasonably warm January weather, including a nice walk on a Sunday afternoon after church. Now that church is at 9 a.m. instead of 1 p.m., that's a possibility!

 

I love this picture of the kids

I have been sorting through decades of memorabilia and pictures, preparing to scrapbook or digitize them. Here are a few fun gems I discovered recently.

In retrospect, this is really funny! (Written by Aubrey, age 9 1/2)
(My favorite part is the postscript: "Do good deeds they don't want you (to do)"

I promise that Aubrey has written so many kind and nice notes also, but this just happens to be the one that I found in my pile today!

 Bailey wrote very impassioned letters to the tooth fairy back in the day

And some other fun notes:

 

 And I love Bailey's career plans:

 Ivy League Interviews

 Aubrey went to interviews with an alumni of Stanford and Harvard. She will find out whether or not she was admitted on April 1. She thought that the interviews went very well!

Joseph and Dad

 Dan and Joseph attended the yearly Fathers/Sons campout on the coast in the rain. They stopped at Tillamook on the way for a triple scoop of ice cream.

Dan and I also attended the Awards Assembly for Joseph's excellent school performance first semester.

Dan the Man

Dan was not amused this day that we stopped after a funeral at a juice bar called Nekter and got something called the Toxin Flush (parsley, spinach, apple, lemon, ginger). I thought it was yummy!

 The night before Dan's birthday we went to dinner at B.J.'s, where Dan got his favorite avocado egg rolls.

 And Dan opened gifts at home.

 He started his birthday morning by teaching mission prep at our home. We had a breakfast - blueberry french toast casserole, bran muffins (Dan's favorites), sausages, and cinnamon pecans rolls.

Bailey's St. George adventure

Bailey joined many of the other Springer girls (Kara, Ashleyn, Lauryn, and Ali) at a house in St. George for a long weekend in mid-January. It was a nice (and very needed) break for all of them! I just wish that I could have joined them.

The oldest three

While they were visiting Utah for the Sundance Film Festival, Brandon and Angela met up with Bailey for lunch!

President Aubrey

I had to take a picture of Aubrey's presidency agenda. She developed this when she was the Laurel class secretary, and they have continued using it now that she is the president. The agenda is beautiful and very efficient and effective (just like Aubrey!)

It takes a village

When we first moved here, I saw how people gathered to help at every wedding reception or other  events, and I secretly hoped that someday I would be someone who would be asked to help at weddings of people in the community. It really feels like a "village" of friends working together to pull off big things. I am happy to report that I now frequently get to help, and it is so fun to work next to my good friends!

 What I've been doing

Lots of things, including hosting book club at our house (this is the aftermath of the yogurt bar brunch.)

I did  a lot of painting this month. More about that in another post. The color on the wall behind the piano was version one before I changed my mind and repainted. I loved seeing my two youngest playing piano together.

 Monsters at the end of the book

At Kohl's one day I saw these books on clearance and snagged them. They were our kids' favorite books growing up! Joseph had a childhood replay moment and read the books to me.

There is Beauty all Around

Views of our trail in February. Seriously, we live in a gorgeous place.

Taste of Thai

 I took Aubrey out to get Thai food one night when Dan was out of town. This was her first time tasting Thai (she tried Pad Thai, Mussaman Curry, and salad rolls), and she decided it is pretty good! She has become a pretty adventurous eater.

Snapshots of Joseph

Joseph and Aubrey working on some Algebra together, and a picture of my sweet youngest asleep.

 I took Joseph shopping for his birthday, and he was a very enthusiastic shopper and fun to hang with.

 I love what Joseph said when he looked at the stacks of color coordinated, carefully folded towels, "This is so satisfying. . ."

Snow Surprise

On February 18 we had a surprise snowstorm which canceled school and seminary one day and seminary the next day!