Being a mother

I've been thinking about this post/journal entry in my mind for the past few weeks. I'm not sure I can put into words what I am thinking and feeling, but I'll try.

When I was a girl and a teenager, I assumed that I would eventually be a mother, but I secretly thought it wouldn't necessarily be very enjoyable, even though I would do my best to do a good job.

The other day, I was thinking about some interactions with our kids. I reflected on how I felt about motherhood before I was a mother, and my feelings about it now. Motherhood has been very unexpected for me in some ways. It is harder than I would have ever believed. But, it is also a lot better than I could have imagined. I really, really like being a mom. I like talking to my kids, I like teaching them, I like playing with them, I like being part of their lives. I like seeing them change and grow, I like getting to know their friends, I like doing things as a family. I can even say that I even like the way I have had to become a better person in order to be the mother my kids deserve, even though this process is often painful.

As a teenager, I assumed that the perpetual sacrifice inherent in mothering would feel like a never-ending burden, and I would need to have an identity other than being a mother so I wouldn't get lost.

This is what I think now: perpetual sacrifice is often exhausting. Time for rejuvenation and refueling is a must. But, I am surprised at how little I mind sacrificing for my family. Seeing them "become" their own individual selves makes me feel very happy. Rephrasing a great scripture, my daily work and my happiness comes from helping my family progress toward eternal salvation.

I acknowledge that being a mom is sometimes really difficult. I would have never expected how interactions with the kids, especially teenagers, can challenge my own sense of self-worth (you know - mom knows nothing, the child and the child's friends know everything). I am constantly aware that I could do so much better as a mother in many, many ways.

The gut-wrenching struggle of parenting draws me to my knees to plead for help to the questions which plague my day. How do we let our kids safely exercise their agency? How do we help the child who is sad or angry all the time? How do we deal with the special challenges they are born with? How do show them that we are disappointed in their choices without making them feel that we are disappointed in them? As I pray, I feel quiet whisperings of comfort and direction.

The joy I am finding in the journey of mothering probably isn't very unique - many women come into marriage and motherhood already embracing the experience. But, growing up I really believed that I would need to have a career to help me feel fulfilled while raising kids. I couldn't see how my love of learning could really be helpful to me in my role as mother.

I still love to learn, and I value the education I have received so far and will continue to receive. I know that any knowledge I've gained so far has helped me with the challenging motherhood role. In fact, I wish I was a whole lot smarter . . .

For now I feel at peace with being a mom and I can truly say that most of the time it is fun and fulfilling. I can't imagine anything in the world that I would rather be doing right now than being a mom to Brandon, Bailey, Aubrey, and Joseph.

I am addicted to Potter

That's Potter, not Porter. I just finished the 7th and last book in the Harry Potter series. When I turned the last page last night, I must say that I was sad. I really enjoyed my time in Hogwarts and the wizarding world.

I am a latecomer to the world of Harry Potter. When the books came out a decade or so ago, Brandon was old enough to enjoy hearing them read aloud at bedtime. Dan and I took turns reading to him each night. So, I heard about every other chapter. Maybe that is why it didn't pull me in. Maybe also because we had a new baby (Aubrey), and my attention was needed elsewhere.

I also have never been a huge fan of the fantasy/sci-fi genre, with a few exceptions. I read a lot, but in the past have generally steered clear of anything too fantastical.

I like to read what my kids are reading, so over the years I have read many books along with them, including plenty of fantasy. I found that there were some fantasy/sci-fi series that I really liked (Fablehaven, Lightning Thief, etc.) I don't know why I didn't join in when they eagerly consumed the Harry Potter books. Maybe I felt like that train had passed me by, and there was too much to catch up on.

I was always kind of embarrassed to admit that I hadn't really sampled Potter yet. I mean, I read "kid" books all the time and I READ all the time. And everyone said they were great, but . . . When the seventh book came out, I even took the kids to a party at Barnes & Noble at midnight to pick up a copy. I didn't dare tell anyone there that I hadn't read books 1-6, or my safety could have been jeopardized.

This last summer I finished the last book in the Percy Jackson (Lightning Thief) series, and quite enjoyed it. It occurred to me that this type of fantasy book was really kind of an imitation of the magical world of the Harry Potter series. The time had come. I had to see what all the hype was about.

I read books 1-4 in the summer and then picked them up again this last month to read books 5-7. I really loved them all! The hype is justified. The writing is fast-paced, the characters interesting and believable, and the surprises fun. I am so sad that, when I tuck into bed tonight to read, Harry will not be facing any more perils and dangers.

Random post-Christmas business

We buy new ornaments for each kid (and one for the family) each year. The owners of the ornaments above picked them out in Hawaii. From left: Mom (for the family, Brandon, Aubrey, Joseph (Santa in a boat), and Bailey.

What does a four year old do to burn off extra energy when the rain just won't stop? Joseph found a creative idea. He got a new bike for Christmas, but hasn't had a chance to take it outside yet. He begged us to try out the bike on the wood floor inside. After making sure the floors wouldn't be scratched, we agreed. He rides along a really cool "racetrack" from the front door, through the entry hall, through the eating area, to the kitchen, and then back again. He does some really fancy turns in the kitchen to change his direction. This new activity just adds to the fun chaos in our house!

Indiana Jones, aka Joseph, with a Christmas tree he made at preschool.

Guess who isn't prepared?

As I was working on goals for the new year a few days ago, I wrote down "check preparedness supplies and 72 hour kits." Well, on Monday we had the opportunity to get a firsthand look at our family's preparedness level.

After dinner we sat down for family home evening (writing thank you notes and goals) and then prepared for a round of family Rock Band when . . . . the lights went out. And it was very, very dark. Quick, we thought, run for the flashlights, which are conveniently hanging out all together in the kitchen cupboard. Problem - not one of them would light. Dan shuffled in the dark to the battery drawer and started loading in new D batteries. Still, no light. So, dead batteries or defective flashlights or both . . . we don't know.

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Instead we used Joseph's Star Wars lightsaver to go into the garage to find the camping lantern. While there, we also grabbed our super-cool emergency lantern/radio/TV which is powered by a crank. Or, so we thought. When we pulled it out of the box to power it up, we found that it FIRST needs to be charged for 12 hours or be loaded with 9 C batteries. Oops - it would be no help to us in its current state.

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So, we have some work to do to be prepared for a real emergency! At least we discovered that fact when there was no real danger involved.

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The power stayed out for a few hours. The kids thought it was a lot of fun. Joseph talked Aubrey into sleeping on the floor in his tiny bedroom (which is a sitting room off of our room). They called it a "dark party" and were giddy with the novelty of it. They were so disappointed when the lights came back on just before they settled down for sleep.

Very cool emergency device which was not helpful at all.

20 Fantastic Years

Dan and I celebrated our 20 year anniversary on December 28th. We hired a great babysitter we know (Brandon) and got away for two days and a night to a spa/resort along the Columbia Gorge. It was rejuvenating to spend time together. I feel so lucky to be married to such a wonderful man!

We ate a great dinner in the hotel restaurant.

In the spa, just before our relaxing treatments.

The hotel had put a bouquet of "Happy Anniversary" balloons in our room.

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On our way home we got a fun "post-Christmas" surprise. We saw snowflakes as we drove along the Columbia River Gorge toward Vancouver. We thought that the snow was only because we were at a higher elevation, but the closer we got to Vancouver, the the heavier the snowstorm! Our kids were at home dancing around in the snowflakes and making snowmen. You see, snow for us is a (maybe) once a year event, so it is very exciting! We had been disappointed to have no snow for Christmas, so this was perfect. The roads for our trip home were a little precarious, partly because of the storm and partly because drivers here don't know how to drive on snow. But, we made it safely (we even stopped for great Thai food on the way home).

My favorite gift

Every year when my kids ask me what I want for Christmas/Mother's Day/Birthday I tell them the same thing. "Write me a card and tell me how much you love me." That really is the best gift of all. For Christmas Bailey gave me this wonderful card (some water has smudged the marker, but that's okay).

This is what it says inside:

Mom, I love you so much! Even though sometimes I don't show it, I love you SO much! Unlike a lot of teenagers, I can tell you everything. Thank you for being there for me. I know this isn't much, but I just wanted to express my appreciation. I couldn't have asked for a better mom. Someday, I hope to be just as good a mom as you.

Love, Bailey

Really, sentiments like that make it all worth it!