Summer . . . then and now

I was flipping through scrapbooks recently and found these pages:

 

In the olden days of my mothering life this is how I handled summer.  I looked forward to the kids being home (I still do) and we sat down with the kids to set goals for the summer.  Our day was pretty structured, with time for learning, music, game playing, chores, and reading.  And every week we took off on a field trip somewhere - a museum, a park, downtown SLC, etc.  These pages from one of my scrapbooks show some of our field trips.


When I look at this I am in awe of my younger self.  Where did I find the energy? How did I find the time? How did I convince my houseful of kids to go along with whatever plans I made for them?

As I looked at the history of our past summers in our scrapbooks (that's another thing - somehow I had time to scrapbook back then??), I felt a wistful pang and I felt more than  a little guilty about the way I handle summer now.  Should I be more like this now? If I tried hard enough could I get my kids to follow along with this type of structure now? Why doesn't it feel like the right rhythm for our family now?

But time has marched on. Dan and I are keenly aware that we are in a different phase of parenting now. We have kids in all stages of life:  launched-and on-his-own Brandon, teenager-and-beginning-high-school Bailey, a-very-ready-for-middle-school Aubrey, and just-starting-full-day-elementary-school Joseph. When my kids were younger the age differences didn't feel as extreme. Brandon at age 10 was still happy to hang out with Bailey at age almost 5, and Aubrey at age 2 was happy to be with all of us. While it was quite an event to gather diaper bags, treats, etc. and take off on adventures, no one really complained. At that point their whole world was the world that I helped create for them.

The age differences between our kids seem more pronounced now, partly because they are more pronounced with the addition of Joseph to our family.  It is pretty difficult to find activities which are equally interesting to a kindergartner, a middle schooler, a high schooler, and a college student. We try, but it's always a challenge. It's not quite as it used to be, when I could gather up my little chickadees and take them to a museum, sing silly songs in the car on the way, and feed them fishy crackers on the way home. We still love to go places and see new things and spend time together, but we more often do "dates with Mom and Dad" with the kids so we can accommodate the kids' unique interests.

In this new phase of parenting our older kids are not living within my version of the world. They are creating their own versions of the world.  And now I know that is the way it should be and needs to be as they grow up. I know now what I didn't know a decade ago . . . as our kids get older, not only would it not work for me to be completely hands-on with the structure of their summer days, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to exert that level of control. As the kids grow up, my role becomes less about controlling their world and increasingly about being an adviser, helper, guide, example, and facilitator.
Now it's all about balance. Balancing Joseph's needs with the needs of the older kids, balancing the individual needs of each of the kids, trying to find balance in all the craziness as each kid is involved in many different activities, and finding the appropriate balance of my involvement in their activities. Mothering older kids has been all about giving them parameters and then letting them make choices about how to use their time.

I have to admit that I miss the predictability and control of past decades. This uncharted territory of raising kids through the last stages before adulthood is sometimes ambiguous, always surprising, frequently frustrating, yet generally enjoyable.  The increased mothering worry and angst I have experienced in the last few years is a direct result of the natural evolution of parenting. It was easier and less worrisome when I could keep my kiddos close and know that they were protected from hurt and negative influences. I felt like a pretty good mom of younger kids. Now that I have younger and older kids, I feel like I know better how much I don't know and can't know or control.  I miss the last stage of parenting, but I really like this new stage too.  There are incredible compensatory rewards.

We had a great summer.  Joseph did his share of learning and reading time (he's still young - he's happy to be compliant if it means that he can play Lego Star Wars for awhile), and the girls and I have had a great time reading the same books (separately) and then talking about them. There is really nothing I would change about the way our summer unfolded. It's not like it used to be, but it's the way it ought to be!