Being a mother

I've been thinking about this post/journal entry in my mind for the past few weeks. I'm not sure I can put into words what I am thinking and feeling, but I'll try.

When I was a girl and a teenager, I assumed that I would eventually be a mother, but I secretly thought it wouldn't necessarily be very enjoyable, even though I would do my best to do a good job.

The other day, I was thinking about some interactions with our kids. I reflected on how I felt about motherhood before I was a mother, and my feelings about it now. Motherhood has been very unexpected for me in some ways. It is harder than I would have ever believed. But, it is also a lot better than I could have imagined. I really, really like being a mom. I like talking to my kids, I like teaching them, I like playing with them, I like being part of their lives. I like seeing them change and grow, I like getting to know their friends, I like doing things as a family. I can even say that I even like the way I have had to become a better person in order to be the mother my kids deserve, even though this process is often painful.

As a teenager, I assumed that the perpetual sacrifice inherent in mothering would feel like a never-ending burden, and I would need to have an identity other than being a mother so I wouldn't get lost.

This is what I think now: perpetual sacrifice is often exhausting. Time for rejuvenation and refueling is a must. But, I am surprised at how little I mind sacrificing for my family. Seeing them "become" their own individual selves makes me feel very happy. Rephrasing a great scripture, my daily work and my happiness comes from helping my family progress toward eternal salvation.

I acknowledge that being a mom is sometimes really difficult. I would have never expected how interactions with the kids, especially teenagers, can challenge my own sense of self-worth (you know - mom knows nothing, the child and the child's friends know everything). I am constantly aware that I could do so much better as a mother in many, many ways.

The gut-wrenching struggle of parenting draws me to my knees to plead for help to the questions which plague my day. How do we let our kids safely exercise their agency? How do we help the child who is sad or angry all the time? How do we deal with the special challenges they are born with? How do show them that we are disappointed in their choices without making them feel that we are disappointed in them? As I pray, I feel quiet whisperings of comfort and direction.

The joy I am finding in the journey of mothering probably isn't very unique - many women come into marriage and motherhood already embracing the experience. But, growing up I really believed that I would need to have a career to help me feel fulfilled while raising kids. I couldn't see how my love of learning could really be helpful to me in my role as mother.

I still love to learn, and I value the education I have received so far and will continue to receive. I know that any knowledge I've gained so far has helped me with the challenging motherhood role. In fact, I wish I was a whole lot smarter . . .

For now I feel at peace with being a mom and I can truly say that most of the time it is fun and fulfilling. I can't imagine anything in the world that I would rather be doing right now than being a mom to Brandon, Bailey, Aubrey, and Joseph.

I am addicted to Potter

That's Potter, not Porter. I just finished the 7th and last book in the Harry Potter series. When I turned the last page last night, I must say that I was sad. I really enjoyed my time in Hogwarts and the wizarding world.

I am a latecomer to the world of Harry Potter. When the books came out a decade or so ago, Brandon was old enough to enjoy hearing them read aloud at bedtime. Dan and I took turns reading to him each night. So, I heard about every other chapter. Maybe that is why it didn't pull me in. Maybe also because we had a new baby (Aubrey), and my attention was needed elsewhere.

I also have never been a huge fan of the fantasy/sci-fi genre, with a few exceptions. I read a lot, but in the past have generally steered clear of anything too fantastical.

I like to read what my kids are reading, so over the years I have read many books along with them, including plenty of fantasy. I found that there were some fantasy/sci-fi series that I really liked (Fablehaven, Lightning Thief, etc.) I don't know why I didn't join in when they eagerly consumed the Harry Potter books. Maybe I felt like that train had passed me by, and there was too much to catch up on.

I was always kind of embarrassed to admit that I hadn't really sampled Potter yet. I mean, I read "kid" books all the time and I READ all the time. And everyone said they were great, but . . . When the seventh book came out, I even took the kids to a party at Barnes & Noble at midnight to pick up a copy. I didn't dare tell anyone there that I hadn't read books 1-6, or my safety could have been jeopardized.

This last summer I finished the last book in the Percy Jackson (Lightning Thief) series, and quite enjoyed it. It occurred to me that this type of fantasy book was really kind of an imitation of the magical world of the Harry Potter series. The time had come. I had to see what all the hype was about.

I read books 1-4 in the summer and then picked them up again this last month to read books 5-7. I really loved them all! The hype is justified. The writing is fast-paced, the characters interesting and believable, and the surprises fun. I am so sad that, when I tuck into bed tonight to read, Harry will not be facing any more perils and dangers.

Random post-Christmas business

We buy new ornaments for each kid (and one for the family) each year. The owners of the ornaments above picked them out in Hawaii. From left: Mom (for the family, Brandon, Aubrey, Joseph (Santa in a boat), and Bailey.

What does a four year old do to burn off extra energy when the rain just won't stop? Joseph found a creative idea. He got a new bike for Christmas, but hasn't had a chance to take it outside yet. He begged us to try out the bike on the wood floor inside. After making sure the floors wouldn't be scratched, we agreed. He rides along a really cool "racetrack" from the front door, through the entry hall, through the eating area, to the kitchen, and then back again. He does some really fancy turns in the kitchen to change his direction. This new activity just adds to the fun chaos in our house!

Indiana Jones, aka Joseph, with a Christmas tree he made at preschool.

Guess who isn't prepared?

As I was working on goals for the new year a few days ago, I wrote down "check preparedness supplies and 72 hour kits." Well, on Monday we had the opportunity to get a firsthand look at our family's preparedness level.

After dinner we sat down for family home evening (writing thank you notes and goals) and then prepared for a round of family Rock Band when . . . . the lights went out. And it was very, very dark. Quick, we thought, run for the flashlights, which are conveniently hanging out all together in the kitchen cupboard. Problem - not one of them would light. Dan shuffled in the dark to the battery drawer and started loading in new D batteries. Still, no light. So, dead batteries or defective flashlights or both . . . we don't know.

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Instead we used Joseph's Star Wars lightsaver to go into the garage to find the camping lantern. While there, we also grabbed our super-cool emergency lantern/radio/TV which is powered by a crank. Or, so we thought. When we pulled it out of the box to power it up, we found that it FIRST needs to be charged for 12 hours or be loaded with 9 C batteries. Oops - it would be no help to us in its current state.

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So, we have some work to do to be prepared for a real emergency! At least we discovered that fact when there was no real danger involved.

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The power stayed out for a few hours. The kids thought it was a lot of fun. Joseph talked Aubrey into sleeping on the floor in his tiny bedroom (which is a sitting room off of our room). They called it a "dark party" and were giddy with the novelty of it. They were so disappointed when the lights came back on just before they settled down for sleep.

Very cool emergency device which was not helpful at all.

20 Fantastic Years

Dan and I celebrated our 20 year anniversary on December 28th. We hired a great babysitter we know (Brandon) and got away for two days and a night to a spa/resort along the Columbia Gorge. It was rejuvenating to spend time together. I feel so lucky to be married to such a wonderful man!

We ate a great dinner in the hotel restaurant.

In the spa, just before our relaxing treatments.

The hotel had put a bouquet of "Happy Anniversary" balloons in our room.

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On our way home we got a fun "post-Christmas" surprise. We saw snowflakes as we drove along the Columbia River Gorge toward Vancouver. We thought that the snow was only because we were at a higher elevation, but the closer we got to Vancouver, the the heavier the snowstorm! Our kids were at home dancing around in the snowflakes and making snowmen. You see, snow for us is a (maybe) once a year event, so it is very exciting! We had been disappointed to have no snow for Christmas, so this was perfect. The roads for our trip home were a little precarious, partly because of the storm and partly because drivers here don't know how to drive on snow. But, we made it safely (we even stopped for great Thai food on the way home).

My favorite gift

Every year when my kids ask me what I want for Christmas/Mother's Day/Birthday I tell them the same thing. "Write me a card and tell me how much you love me." That really is the best gift of all. For Christmas Bailey gave me this wonderful card (some water has smudged the marker, but that's okay).

This is what it says inside:

Mom, I love you so much! Even though sometimes I don't show it, I love you SO much! Unlike a lot of teenagers, I can tell you everything. Thank you for being there for me. I know this isn't much, but I just wanted to express my appreciation. I couldn't have asked for a better mom. Someday, I hope to be just as good a mom as you.

Love, Bailey

Really, sentiments like that make it all worth it!

It's the most wonderful time of the year . .

I really love Christmas. The music, the decorations, the anticipation, the meaning of it all. When I was a little girl I would lie down close to the Christmas tree in the darkened living room and get lost in the lights on the tree. The anticipation on Christmas Eve was so intense for me that I (more than once) snuck in to see what Santa had brought early Christmas morning, hours before anyone else was awake. I think one year I even unwrapped some presents, but we won't talk about that. There was no way I could sleep when the thrill of Christmas was so close. I dreaded the day after Christmas because it was painful to deal with the reality of 364 more days until Christmas again. Bailey has taken over this role for me now. She spent all of December on a "Christmas high" and the days afterward in a sour mood because it was over.

Christmas as a Mom is a lot more work and less fun - I cannot lie. So much to do and prepare and the ever-present whisper of guilt reminding me that it needs to be "magical" for the family, no matter how tired I am. Some years this can be overwhelming. This year, I cut out some things we usually do. Dan is still reeling from the fact that we didn't do neighbor/friend gifts for hardly anyone, even though we were showered with gifts. I didn't care.

What did we do? Read Christmas stories, attend everyone's Christmas play/performance, find people to serve, decorate the house, make some treats (but not as many as usual), drive around and look at lights.

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For the first time in years, I opened up ALL the boxes of Christmas decorations and set out more than we have used since we moved here. I found some decorations which were way overdue to be sent to the DI pile and pruned our collection to things we cherish. For the first time in at least ten years,I am truly sad to put away the decorations. Usually a few days after Christmas I'm itching to unclutter and get back to normal, but not this year. I like the warmth, the coziness, the colors, the lights, the memories.

The kids decorated the tree, with only a little help from me. They did a great job.

Joseph sat on Santa's lap after his preschool program. He wouldn't actually make eye contact, but was proud of himself for speaking to Santa in a whisper.

Joseph sang and danced his little heart out at his preschool program. He refused to wear any of his red or green clothes on this particular day. He is a man who knows what he wants to wear, and cannot be persuaded.

Okay, so we didn't actually make our Christmas cookies until Christmas Eve Day, but it was still fun.

The cast for our Christmas play this year: Joseph as Joseph (the superhero version), Aubrey as the angel (who recited the angel's proclamation from memory), Bailey as Mary (a little taller than her husband), and Brandon the shepherd (who declared "this is the last year I am doing this.)

After we read and acted out the Christmas story, everyone opened their gift (pjs, of course) and a new Christmas book for the family.Bailey had requested footie pajamas for Christmas (apparently they are quite the thing with the middle school crowd). I truly thought she might like these pink bunny pjs. But, just in case, I bought another type of footies, with a matching set for Aubrey. It turns out I was very wrong, and Bailey was mortified to even try on the bunny footies. We forced her to take a photo in them. She is not allowed to delete this picture from my blog (do you hear me, Bailey??)

Joseph, in his "Awesomeness Prime" (Optimus Prime from Transformers) costume, earnestly wrote a very sweet letter to Santa. First he dictated the words to me, then he signed his name and drew a picture. The girls also wrote beautiful letters to Santa. As always, Santa answered all the kid's letters with very funny response. Santa's sense of humor reminds me a lot of Dan's gift for humor.

The kids dragged their mattresses into the bonus room and slept there on Christmas Eve. As is tradition, they watched Christmas shows until they fell asleep. We had told them to not wake us any earlier than 7 a.m. (we are so mean), but I heard them giggling and talking at 6 a.m., and then I couldn't go back to sleep. The excitement was contagious! In the picture above, we had them wait at the top of the stairs while we checked to see if Santa had arrived.We start with the youngest and then take turns opening one present at a time. Joseph was really cute about it this year. He understood that he had to wait for his turn, so he would put a gift on his lap and wait patiently. But, he was so excited that he would literally bounce up and down like a Mexican jumping bean while he waited. As soon as his turn rolled around, he would tear into the present with gusto.
Christmas Day was delightfully relaxed. I took a marvelous three hour nap. Everyone else played with new toys. No one got out of their pajamas. In fact, when we had our Christmas dinner (ham and all the fixings), we drank sparkling grape juice out of crystal glasses wearing our pajamas. Awesome! This night will also go down as the night that Joseph finally tried a bite of mashed potatoes. More about this topic in another post . . .

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All in all, we had a really wonderful Christmas season. We are so grateful for all of our blessings, but especially for our Savior and our family.

And more Hawaii (almost done, I promise!)

After we landed at the airport, we drove straight to a Costco and bought all the necessary Thanksgiving food and other food for our week-long stay. The day after we arrived in Hawaii we celebrated Thanksgiving. We had a very nice meal, despite the somewhat limited cooking capacity of our rental home.

Joseph is not pictured here. I'm pretty sure he was in time out at the time!

One of the main things Brandon had put on his Christmas list was a ukelele. While in Hawaii we bought it for him, but on Christmas Day he will need to act surprised when he unwraps the ukelele package!

Bailey throwing a spear in Tonga in the Cultural Center.

One of the dancers in Fiji.

Learning the hula in the Hawaii section of the Cultural Center. We really loved the Polynesian Cultural Center. We felt like we learned much about the different Polynesian islands, and we liked interacting with the BYU Hawaii students who are the employees at the Center.

More Hawaii Memories

Dan and the girls snorkeling and Brandon taking Joseph for a fun ride.

Looking down at the remains of the U.S.S. Arizona at Pearl Harbor.

Isn't the color of the water breathtaking?

Brandon thinking, on Sunset Beach.

We stopped at Sunset Beach, on the North Shore of Oahu, one day on a drive. The waves on this side of the island are huge, which is why surfing competitions are held there all winter long. We didn't have swimsuits, but had to play in the waves a little anyway. Aubrey got more than a little wet. It was a long drive home in her wet jeans!

I just loved this picture because of the expressions on everyone's faces. We had so much fun together during this vacation. I will always remember laughing together, playing in the waves, and riding in the van, all singing at the top of our lungs. Brandon put together a very cool "Hawaii playlist" for his ipod. All the songs were singable and fun.

I seriously did not know how pineapples grow. I vaguely thought. . . maybe on a tree??

The beautiful view from the top of the Pali Lookout. Which is VERY windy, as evidenced by the wacky picture below!

Brandon was called up on stage during the Samoa show at the Polynesian Cultural Center. He drank Coconut juice (not milk - we learned that the milk is made when the coconut meat is squeezed.) It was a funny show, and so fun that he was part of it!

The Buddhist Temple at Valley of the Temples. This is a replica of an ancient temple from Japan. It was beautiful. The building and the grounds surrounding it made me feel like we were actually in Japan!

Surfin' Dudes and other Hawaii stories

Okay, Dan may not be happy that I am sharing this story, but I can't resist. One of Brandon's Hawaii dreams has been to take a surfing lesson. Dan felt like he should do it too, but was overwhelmingly nervous about sharks. The thought of surfing tapped into deep-seated fears that apparently began when he watched Jaws as an impressionable child.

We signed up Brandon and Dan for a lesson on a beach near Waikiki. It was a hot day, and we rushed over right after spending the morning walking around the Swap Meet at Aloha Stadium (to find our Hawaii souvenirs) and then eating a big Pizza Hut buffet lunch. Maybe not the smartest way to begin an intensely physical exercise.

Dan and Brandon and their surfer dude instructer (who fit every surfer dude stereotype, from his "surfer-isms" sprinkled throughout his conversation to his laid-back approach to life) unloaded their surfboards and prepared to carry them down the hill to the beach. The other kids and I followed behind, but we were way behind. It took me about half an hour to convince Joseph that he really needed to walk, not be carried, the entire way.
By the time we reached the beach, we couldn't tell where they had "launched" and which surfers way out in the water were our guys, so we set up our stuff on the beach and played in the water while we waited. About half an hour later I saw the instructor and Brandon walking toward us from down the beach. Dan was not with them. Our first thought was "Oh no - a shark ate Dan!" Then we realized that Brandon and the instructor were talking and laughing, and it didn't seem likely that they would be so jovial if Dan had just been a shark's lunch.

They told me that halfway through the lesson Dan had felt nauseous and weak. He thought he might pass out. The instructor and Brandon towed him back to shore, and they set him up in the shade to cool off. They came to find me to get him a water bottle.

(Dan would want me to make it clear that surfing is a much more physical sport than we would imagine. And he was dehydrated and overheated and swallowed a lot of salt water. And he did great for half the lesson. And he is sure that if he was 17 years old like Brandon, he would have also been a super successful surfer. Okay. We believe him, right?)

I ran down to find my poor husband, who was, shall we say, not doing well. It was not possible for him to finish the lesson, so instead he recuperated and cooled off. Once the instructor was assured that I would take responsibility for Dan's welfare, he took Brandon back out for the rest of the lesson.

Brandon discovered that he LOVES surfing. The instructor said he was a natural and progressed amazingly fast for a first lesson. He caught some good waves and had a blast. We're worried that he may decide to blow off college and become a surfer dude for a living.
Brandon is on the left.
Joseph tries out Dan's surfboard while we played nursemaid on the beach.

Other random Hawaii thoughts for today . . .our GPS was our best friend in Hawaii. Everything about the islands is so laid back. Including the streets. They are particularly confusing to navigate. Our GPS is named "Agnes," and Agnes treated us well as we drove all over every corner of Oahu. We saw so many fascinating places and really loved the island (maybe not the hectic big city of Honolulu, but we loved everything else).
One of the great tips our friends gave us was to check out a little Portuguese bakery in Kailua to eat "malasadas," which is a cross between a scone and a donut. Oh, so delicious.