Thought provoking day

I had some thought provoking interactions yesterday. 

First, I was leaving the gym after an exercise class. I've become friends with another woman in the class - Madeline.  As we were walking through the parking lot Madeline asked me how long we have lived here.  I told her we've been here 5 years, and before that lived in Utah.  Her eyes lit up.

"Really?  We used to live in Utah. For two years we lived in Draper!"

We compared notes and realized that we had both moved to Utah the same year, and we lived less than a mile from each other.  She lived really close to my parents, right next to a great Catholic school which her daughter attended.

Then, in a matter-of-fact voice Madeline said this. "We are Catholic. We moved from Utah after two years, even though we loved so many things about living there - the mountains, the skiing, the job, the great school.  But it was just too hard to be a religious minority and be excluded."  She said that most of the kids in the neighborhood were LDS, and very few would play with her children. Their family was excluded from many events. Madeline said she had one Mormon neighbor who was friendly and they would go walking in the mornings, but she had a hard time getting to know most of her Mormon neighbors.  She loved going to the "Super Saturday" homemaking meetings at the church, and said that sometimes she found plenty of people to visit with, but sometimes the women at her table asked her which ward she was in and when they heard that she is Catholic they didn't talk to her for the rest of the activity.

She said, "I really liked that older, sweet man who was your leader (President Hinckley) and I heard him give a talk once. He told the members of the church to include others around them and be friendly to their neighbors, whether or not they are members (I remember that talk!).  And I used to think, 'why don't you people listen to your leader?'"

We had a great talk. I told her I feel terrible that they were excluded. I tried to explain some things, although as I pondered our conversation later in the day I could think of much more clear ways to explain my thoughts.  This is the way I wish I had explained my feelings to Madeline:

President Hinckley gave that counsel about reaching out to non-Mormon neighbors because sometimes that is a problem, as you experienced.  We Mormons get so busy with our church responsibilities and callings families and so complacent with being a "majority" in some areas of the country that we exclude others, perhaps intentionally, but more likely out of benign neglect. This is wrong. Christ's gospel is not about all the meetings and programs and planning and decorations and ward parties. It is about loving people, all people. And if a non-Mormon can live in our midst and feel unacceptable because of her religion, then we are forgetting to truly live our religion.

That's the way I wish I had said it. As it was, we had a nice talk and she made it clear that she bears no grudge against Mormons - in fact she admires many things about the Mormon way of life (clean living, missionary service, the welfare program and service, youth programs for the teenagers, etc.).  She just couldn't have her kids to grow up in a place where they would never be accepted or included by the majority.

I've been studying D&C and church history lately and we recently returned from a trip to NY and Ohio, where the early members of the church lived and were unfairly persecuted for their "minority" beliefs. It is so poignant to follow the struggles of a people who were repeatedly rejected because they didn't believe the way their neighbors believed. It was so hard on the early Saints that they had to move from their homes to try to find peace.

After talking to Madeline I had an "aha" moment. How sad it is if we Mormons, who historically were unfairly persecuted and excluded because of our beliefs, now find safety and complacency in numbers and choose to exclude non-Mormons around us. If we have really learned from our history of being unfairly treated by neighbors, then we should be the kindest, most loving neighbors possible.  I know that I haven't always done this perfectly, and I resolve to do better.


My next thought provoking interaction happened in the evening at a bridal shower for a childhood friend of mine. It was held in the home of a woman in her ward. As I was warmly welcomed by the hostess and looked around her lovely home I made an instant assumption about her - without even realizing it. Her home absolutely exuded warmth and happiness and was filled with objects which reflected the things she believed and valued. She had such a kind, gracious way of interacting with everyone and seemed to be content and happy. My unconscious assumption was that this was a woman for whom life ran very smoothly. That her husband and children were probably equally sunny and peaceful and faithful. I could just imagine her and her family of (likely) grown children and grandchildren gathered and being happy together. How's that for an instant assumption?

I would have never challenged this assumption had I not had an enlightening conversation with the hostess at the end of the night. Somehow we got on the topic of family and she mentioned briefly some very intense challenges she has faced for most of her married life and the incredible challenges they have had with their three adopted children, who are all grown and all making some less-than-stellar choices. And now several of the grandkids who are being raised in the homes of these children are making similar choices. The things she was telling me were not at all what I expected from this happy, singularly peaceful woman.

And this is when I had my "aha" moment. This woman doesn't have a "perfect life and perfect family" (who does?), but that has not changed the way she interacts with the world. Her demeanor and home reflect who she really is and the person I would assume that she always intended to be, and this does not seem to be affected by the actions of her family. Her family has made some different choices, but she is still happy with her choices and chooses to find peace, even as she worries about and grieves for them.  Before I even knew her story I was affected by the unique spirit and peace in her home, and my limited understanding of her challenges taught me an important life lesson I will not soon forget.