A partially documented life

I am sort of a failure at personal history documentation. I haven't been consistent at journal keeping since I was 10, but a few times a year my guilt and desire to leave a record of my life and thoughts inspires me to start a fresh journal/gratitude journal. Then after a few days I inevitably forget about it. I have a lot of mostly empty journals.

I am a little better about documenting the events in our family, but I've been inconsistent over the years. I used to scrapbook back when it was the hippest thing to do. I did enjoy the crafting process, although I was never an expert. But I liked both the times I worked on it alone because it was a break from early mothering life and the times scrapbooking was a social event, especially when my sisters and I would gather and scrapbook and laugh while our little kiddos ran around behind us.  But scrapbooking ended for me about the time Joseph was born and we moved to Washington. I feel kind of bad about this, especially since Bailey and Brandon literally have a scrapbook for every 6 months of their early childhood, Aubrey has quite a few books of her life, and Joseph has . . . not much.

I dabble in other ways to document our family, such as printing our digital photo books. I started with the goal of creating one book per kid per year. I think I did this for 3 years and made it through 2009, so I believe I'm a little behind.

And I have been trying to keep up this family blog and then print out a blog book as as record for our family.  Except I haven't actually printed out a blog book since 2010. I WILL though, I'm sure of it. I do feel good about having documented the basics of our lives in some form on this blog, but I am constantly behind. Even when I give extra time and Herculean effort to get caught up (like I did in January and February of this year), once my attention is diverted by actually living our hectic and crazy life rather than writing about it I am instantly behind again.

What is truly missing, though, is a habit and plan for me to document things other than the events of our lives. I try to do this on the family blog now and then, but the truth is that I can't even keep up on documenting what happens, so I rarely get around to talking about what I think about things or other interesting topics. 

I have all these ideas for blog posts floating around my mind, things that would give my future posterity insight into me and our family, something more than the usual litany of events. But, so far I haven't found time to actually write any of these posts. I keep a list on my phone, though, for that magical moment when I am caught up on blogging events and have free time (ha ha ha ha).  

Someday I hope to talk about

• All the technologies that I insisted that I didn't need or want and Dan bought me anyway and now I can't live without. And why I love them so much and why I love my husband who sees through my protestations of frugality to what will really make my life easier.
• Random facts about me. Like the fact that I read newspapers and magazines from the back page to the front. And I always take the stairs two at a time. Everyone else posts random facts on facebook, but I have a phobia about posting on facebook so I thought I would post them somewhere where no one will read them. Maybe I should actually do a post someday about why I have such a fear about posting on facebook?
• Sunrise, Sunset  .  .  . the reason why I sing this song from Fiddler on the Roof all the time and feel happy and sad and bittersweet about our kids growing up. And the advice that I would give to myself as a new mother, if I could travel back in time. 
• My obsession with juggling a crazy number of book clubs and reading 6-7 books simultaneously. I think I need an intervention.

My Grandma Springer was one of my favorite people ever - there are so many amazing things about her. I remember her being a great journal writer and I believe she wrote something in her journal almost every day, at least in her later years. One day when I was about 10 I was staying with Grandma and Grandpa in Utah for a few weeks. I was a very curious child, and one day I couldn't help but peek into Grandma's journal, sitting next to her recliner. I expected that my glimpse into the mind and world of an adult would be really intriguing. The two page spread I sneaked a look at was filled with a few lines for each day, on which Grandma had recorded the weather, the time of the sunrise and sunset, and who had stopped by that day. I remember being so disappointed. This was exciting life of an adult and this was adult journal writing? Maybe that's why I stopped keeping up my own journal about that same time?  No, probably not. I never saw any of Grandma's journals after she passed away, and maybe she regularly shared things from her heart and I just happened to see a really boring week, but I've always remembered my sneaky peek into her personal record (sorry Grandma).

Sometimes I wonder what a historian would infer about me as a person by piecing together the documentation I will leave behind. I'm guessing that it will be easy to make inferences about what is important to me and what I enjoy by the types of things I write about our family, but I'm not sure there will be much in the way of a "primary source." I want my descendants to know that I was a real person with real thoughts and struggles and feelings.  I do shy away from blogging about some struggles which consume my attention, particularly regarding parenting, because a blog on the internet which my kids and anyone else can read does not feel like the appropriate forum.  But these are important thoughts for me to record, and my kids will probably find value in reading them in future years when they are figuring out their own parenting puzzles. 

A few years ago I received a heavenly reprimand for my failure to write down important things. There was a little occurrence in my life which I could clearly see was the hand of the Lord in directing my life and a tender mercy. At the time I had the distinct impression to go write it down so I could reflect on it later. I didn't do it, even with repeated promptings to do so. A few weeks later I suddenly realized that I could not remember anything about the tender mercy I was supposed to record. Nothing. I could remember everything about how I was prompted to record it, but the memory I was supposed to record was gone. I knew very definitely at that time and now that this was a lesson for me. The Lord has specifically directed me to write down something of value, and my failure to do so had deprived me of a chance to remember it.

This is a weakness of mine, and one I should keep working on. I keep thinking that someday when life isn't so busy I will start seriously writing a personal history/memories/journal. But what are the chances that life is ever going to slow down and if/when it does I will still remember anything interesting?

I've been fascinated lately by reading some of the life stories and first hand journal accounts from some of my ancestors (on familysearch.org - such a cool feature!) It is one thing to see the name and statistical facts of ancestors on paper and another thing altogether to read something that gives insights into their lives. I want to someday leave an interesting legacy for my descendants so I will be more than a name and a birthdate on paper.

So, what to do?  I don't know. I will keep trying. I will attempt to keep up the family blog and probably will keep feeling guilty when I fall behind.  I will continue my practice of placing journals in every convenient spot where I might grab them and write in them . . . next to my scriptures, on my bedside table, in my church bag. I will keep setting the same New Year's goal every year: "write in my journal at least once a week." It is likely that despite all my efforts I will still leave a disjointed legacy and record of my thoughts, but I hold out hope that my partially documented life will be enough.