30 years ago

Thirty years ago today Mt. St. Helens erupted. I was 9 (almost 10) at the time, the same age as our daughter Aubrey. This morning at breakfast we talked about the eruption and I shared my my memories of that day with the kids. I decided that I should document my memories for our family history.

Remember that all this is from my perspective at the time, as a a not-quite-10-year-old 4th grader.

The adults had been talking about Mt. St. Helens for months as the mountain was showing abnormal signs of activity. I think we in Moses Lake, WA were interested in it, but never thought it would impact us, hundreds of miles away. I had never personally seen this volcano, and it certainly didn't feel real to me.

Sunday morning, May 18th, 1980, I was ready for church early. I walked outside before the rest of the family. I stood on a pile of dirt in our front yard and looked at the strange purple clouds in the sky. Later I learned that these clouds held ash from the eruption.

Part way through Sacrament Meeting someone interrupted the services with the news that Mt. St. Helens had erupted and clouds of ash had traveled to Eastern Washington. When I ran to the foyer and looked outside I realized that it was pitch dark outside and it was only around 12:30 p.m. There was controlled panic everywhere - I remember running into the bathroom to get wet paper towels to put over our faces so that we wouldn't breathe the ash when we walked outside.

It was very eerie - outside it looked like a snowstorm at midnight. But the white stuff wasn't snow and it was the middle of the day. The short drive home from the church house took a very, very long time as the ash messed up the air filters of vehicles. When we finally were home, I remember feeling a mix of fear and excitement.

The coming days and months were challenging. The ash piled high, threatening to collapse roofs and killing vegetation. The day after the eruption my Dad and I rode our bikes a few miles to the grocery store to try to get milk. Many of the shelves at the grocery store had been emptied by nervous customers. No one knew how long our town would be affected by the ash. Unlike a big snowstorm, this greyish-white stuff didn't melt. The novelty of playing in the ash wore off quickly. School was canceled for the rest of the year. This must have been a terrible headache for the adults. From my point of view, I was also disappointed - I liked school, and I had worked hard on a report presentation for Monday, May 19th. Instead, school came to an abrupt end and the town of Moses Lake (and many surrounding towns) spent months and years digging out from the mess.

Funny how my life was impacted by a volcano I had never seen, and now that same volcano is visible outside my bedroom window. It has been interesting to read the reports in the local paper, memories of people who lived in the Vancouver area 30 years ago. The residents of Vancouver at that time could see the volcano explode, but the eruption and ash blew to the east, so they were impacted very little.

A lesson that has always stuck with me from the experience of Mt. St. Helens erupting is this: life as we know it can change in an instant. Sometimes we get warnings ahead of time, and sometimes it takes us by surprise. Afterward, our focus quickly shifts from all the normal busy things we usually spend our time on to the bare essentials, which are family, safety, and finding peace inside to deal with challenging times.

One more interesting lesson I didn't learn until this last year. We were visiting family in Moses Lake and my uncle explained how the ash, which was initially devastating, was a boon for agriculture in the area. It enriched the soil, and over the coming many years the crop yields were better. Isn't that like life? The very thing which is weighing heavily on us, crushing us, stopping our life in its tracks, may someday be what makes our life richer and more abundant.

New haircut and new room

Bailey and I have made great strides in re-doing her bedroom from "little-girl blue" to very electric and teenagery pink and orange. The room is deep pink with an orange accent wall behind the bed. I think the color is great - it reminds me of Bailey's personality. I loved painting something so not-beige. We still need to put the orange bedskirt on the bed and add some embellishments. Bailey is deciding on some favorite quotes and pictures which we will frame and mount on the wall.

I checked Bailey out of school at lunchtime a few days ago and took her to our friend Gina to get her hair cut and styled. So cute!
Joseph took these pictures of the two of us, post-haircut.

Mother's Day

When it comes to Mother's Day, my kids have been well-trained in spoiling me (trained by Dan, who is the master spoiler). Dan was at church for meetings for a few hours after church. When the kids and I arrived home, the kids ordered me upstairs to lay down in bed and read. Brandon, Bailey, and Aubrey brought me lunch on a tray, made me cookies, and left me a bell to ring in case I needed any additional services. I took a nap, read a book, and enjoyed being spoiled.

Joseph was funny. He caught on to the fact that it was a special day for Mom. Whereas the older kids felt like the best way to treat me was to let me have time alone, Joseph had a different idea. As only a five-year-old could do, he walked into the room with piles of toys, which he deposited on my bed. This is what he said,"It is Mama's day, so I will play games with you and you can read me books." And we did. I thought it was funny, sweet, and slightly narcissistic that in his mind what I would most like to do is spend time with him!

Each year I have mothered has been more rewarding and more challenging. This year in particular I have felt ambivalence about whether I am a good enough mother to each of my kids. My own failings seem glaring. Sunday morning I read this quote in the newspaper. I believe it was from an article written by the author Scott Turow.

"It is a sentimental myth that a mother's effect on her children is always good. Her power over their lives is so enormous that any character failings are inevitably magnified, even for the best mothers."

I'm not sure if that makes me feel better, but I do think it is true.

I am grateful for each of my children. They are a tremendous blessing in my life. I am glad for the chance I have to play a role in their lives. I am incredibly grateful for the influence of the Spirit in my life and the goodness of my Savior. I am imperfect, and will remain so despite my best efforts. I know it is the influence of the Spirit and the perfection of the Savior that compensate for my sometimes clumsy efforts to be the mom my kids deserve.

The Birthday Party Bus

Last Thursday my friend Shalee and I planned a fun surprise for our friend Misty's birthday. We had arranged with Misty to go to a birthday lunch. What she didn't know is that Shalee decided to fire up her motorhome for the lunch date. We pulled up in front of Misty's house with the RV engine rumbling like a semi truck. When Misty answered her front door she was shocked! We loaded up all the kids in the motorhome, and the party bus took off across town to go to Chipotle for lunch.

The kids thought riding in the RV was incredibly fun. Especially the fact that there are no seatbelts in a motorhome, so they were free to bounce around. When Joseph first walked into the motorhome he said, "Wow, their car is much more awesome than our car!"

It was a wacky, fun adventure with good friends!

Muffins, Wardrobes, and Oz

"I want muffins, Mom, and I'll make them myself." And, so he did. With a little help to measure, crack eggs, and handle hot pans. But each mini-muffin was carefully scooped by Joseph.

A wardrobe side note: the outfit Joseph is wearing in the picture above (a red Spiderman shirt and a certain pair of size 5 slim jeans) is the ONLY outift he will wear right now. He is definitely a last-born child, because I have way relaxed the cleanliness rules. If the clothes don't look or smell REALLY bad, then I okay him wearing them another day. Two days is usually my limit, but I have been known to give in to entreaties to wear them one more day. Whenever possible, I throw the clothes into the washer right when he puts on his pjs (Spiderman pjs - the only currently acceptable type) and hope I remember to dry them by morning.

Joseph has always been particular about what he wears, partly because he has a unique view on what looks "awesome" and partly because his sensory issues dictate that he wear clothes that feel comfortable. I was remembering the other day that last year he wore the same Superman shirt, complete with long red cape, to preschool EVERY day for 4 months. I wish I had thought to take a picture. At the time, it just seemed like that stage would last forever, and then it changed. So, I know that the current wardrobe obsession will pass, too.

I did, however, go back to Kohl's to try to buy another pair of identical size 5 slim jeans. They didn't have any more of his size, of course. I was a mom on a mission, and I would not give up until they called their catalog and tracked down a duplicate for me on the spot. I can't wait for the increased wardrobe flexibility which will be ours when Joseph owns two pairs of equally awesome jeans.


Aubrey had her performance of Wizard of Oz, which was the final show of her musical theater class. She was a Munchkin and Narrator, and she did a fantastic job. She has found that she loves to sing and act. Her teacher said that he is so impressed that she is always focused, has a great musical ear, pays close attention to everything that is taught, and then can repeat it back and then actually demonstrate the vocal techniques. Good job, Aubrey!

Gardening thoughts

Every year I forget how therapeutic it is for me to play in the dirt and garden. This year "work on the flower beds" stared at me from the to-do list for weeks. Okay, over a month. It really felt like just one more thing to do.

But, then I found a free Saturday and went to work. And it was like manna to my soul. Finally, a solvable problem. I'm not even to the stage of planting annual flowers or vegetable plants yet. Right now I have been taming the weeds and moving around perennials, both of which are labor-intensive and sweat-inducing. And so gratifying, as I can take something unruly or out of balance and create order. I say to an overgrown bush "you will be smaller" and then I prune it. I decide to move a plant to a different spot, and with a little heft and muscle power, it is done.

While working at one of my favorite tasks last week (gardening) I was thinking about one of my favorite topics (parenting). To be honest, I was admiring the fact that the plants weren't talking back to me. There was no plant whining, no arguing, no debating whether my revised gardening layout would be a good idea. No "ouch" when I pulled a shrub out of the ground and bodily moved it to another location. I admired the fact that my plants grow where they are placed, with no drama involved. They know that I know best.

Well, so maybe I don't know or control very much after all, even with my plants. Many times I pick the wrong spot in the garden for a particular plant. It needs more room to spread out, more sun, less water, more or less or a different kind of fertilizer. Each season I rebalance the perennials, making sure everything looks somewhat symmetrical and orderly. Then the elements pound at my plants - hailstorms, rainstorms, snowstorms, heat. I try to protect them from the weather stresses, but I can't catch or solve every problem. If they can survive, withstanding some of these stresses actually makes the plant's roots go deeper. By the end of the season, the plants have responded to the elements and their own drive to grow a certain way, and my orderly garden is out of whack.

Maybe order isn't the ultimate goal. Maybe my role is different. I was thinking about this quote: Who plants a seed beneath the sod, and waits to see, believes in God.

That wait to see phrase is tricky for me. I like measurable success in a reasonable period of time, and there is very little that is measurable or quick in parenting. Every day efforts are an investment in who the child is becoming, and there are no guarantees. The elements are strong and largely out of my control and my children use their agency, as they should. And they are very verbal about it, which is fine, but which frays my nerves at times.

So, as the gardener and as the mom I need to do the hard, back-breaking toil to prepare the spot for each plant and child. I must watch for warning signs of too much stress from the elements and provide extra nourishment when needed. Fretting about the individual growth patterns of each plant and child is futile, because growing is their job, not mine. Finally, I must relinquish the idea of control, step back and patiently wait to see and believe in God. I need to have faith that God's hand is in the process.

Overheard

Joseph finished his business in the bathroom and ran out to play with his friend. From a nearby by room I called out, telling him to go back and wash his hands. He stopped in his tracks and said, "I don't get it. How did you know I didn't wash my hands? Do you know everything?"

Yes, Joseph, I do. Remember that.

Mothering moments to cherish

Life runs by at such a frantic pace. There were a few moments lately when time seemed to stop while I focused on a moment.

Joseph comes down the stairs in the morning, dragging his fuzzy Batman blankie. He walks toward me with his sleepy eyes and Spiderman pjs. Crawls onto on my lap and fits just right. Pulls his blankie over both of our heads and snuggles. Our breathing and heartbeats synchronize and I know that nothing is more important right now because I'm cuddling my baby. Knowing that it won't be much longer that he will want to cuddle on my lap. It won't be much longer that he will even fit on my lap.

Aubrey walks out of her musical theater class with lights in her eyes. Can't contain the happy smile on her face that says it all. She likes what she is doing and is proud of herself for her work. For just a moment, she brims with quiet confidence, and I feel like a mirror, reflecting her optimism and bliss. I want nothing more than for my kids to uncover their strengths and find things they love to do.

Shopping with Bailey on a morning that school starts late. Watching her face light up as she finds just the right pair of jeans (and on sale) and new shoes. Hearing "thank you thank you thank you, Mom", and wanting to thank her for sprinkling joy in my life. Watching her run into school wearing her new skinny jeans and Keds (the same styles I wore as a teenager - recycled). There is a lilt in her step, a flip of the hair, and a moment when I can see the little girl becoming the young woman right before my eyes.

Sharing a long hug with Brandon. Holding on longer than normal, and feeling him do the same. Letting the hug be more eloquent than the words which aren't always effective or expressed. Feeling the goodness of his spirit, the joy in his proximity, and the pain of letting go.

I can't freeze time, even if I would want to. But I will try to freeze and remember moments.

Cadbury Creme Egg Therapy

Parenting is not for the weak or the faint of heart. I will not be giving any more details, as I fully recognize that everyone, myself definitely included, has occasional bad days.

Let's just say that, after all of the drama involved in finally getting each of the kids off to their respective schools this morning, I came home and sat down on the floor and consumed an entire Cadbury Creme egg. The big size. Oh yes, I have hoarded one egg for just such an emergency situation. I keep Dove dark chocolate on hand and usually have one or two a day - it's medicinal, you know. But, some moments and days require the hard stuff . . . ooey, gooey, sticky, sugary, surrounded by milk chocolate and with absolutely no redeeming nutritional value.

This is one of those days!

I needed this today

I was out of town for a sisters/mom trip last weekend (more on this when I gather pictures together). Dan told me about this conversation he had with Joseph while I was gone.

Joseph: I had a really bad dream. Dad, how do I make bad dreams go away?
Dad: Maybe you could think about something that makes you feel happy and safe.
Joseph: Hmmmm . . . . I guess superheroes.
Joseph: And my Mommy.

Can I just freeze this age/stage forever? Because it is really good for this mom's confidence!